Thing that should not be thought about in a library

"God, my nipples are so hard!"

Yeah, that's the thought that just went through my mind.  It's fucking cold as shit in here!

And another

YEAH!

Genius

To All Hillary Clinton Supporters Now McCain Supporters

I thought long and hard before deciding to post this blog but I couldn't hold this in anymore.  I dreamed about this blog last night.

So here it goes.

I have two words for all of you.

FUCK YOU!

I'm sorry.  I shouldn't say that but it's how I feel.  I'm not saying that you need to like Obama but if you're a Democrat you sure as hell need to support him.  If only for the fact that he IS our candidate.  You see, to me, being a Democrat is more than who your candidate is.  It's a fundamental belief, an underlying philosophy about life and politics.  It means being Pro-Choice, believing that everyone has the right to affordable healthcare (and yes, I am a Universal healthcare supporter), it's believing that Gay people are entitled to the same rights as everyone else, including the right to get married, it means that I believe that the government is for the people and it is all of our responsibility to take care of those of us that cannot help themselves because we are only as strong as our weakest link.  

When I hear former Clinton supporters saying that they are going to vote for McCain because she didn't get the nomination I feel betrayed.  I feel that they are betraying not only Mrs. Clinton but their very beliefs.  How can you respect that?  And the reasons they give?  They call sound like sour grapes to me.  Their main reson for the defection is that Obama doesn't have enough experience and since Hillary's out of the game, they have no choice but to vote for McCain.

Experience?  Really? Okay.  

Well, you cling to that 'Experience' excuse when young women start dying in back alleys because the uberconservative Supreme Court overthrows 'Roe v Wade.'  

Let 'Experience' keep you warm when our education system starts falling apart because McCain starts issuing vouchers and closing low performing schools, these schools that are mostly in Urban areas that don't get enough funding anyway because crime is so high and property taxes are so low.  

Keep touting 'Experience' when these poor and now even more uneducated kids turn to crime, start overflowing our overburdened criminal system to the point where we start building more prisons than schools.

Oh, and let 'Experience' feed your family, put gas in your car, and take care of you when you are sick because the middle class keeps shrinking and working harder to earn less, the cost of food and gas continues to grow, the rich continue to find every loophole in the muddles tax system to pay less taxes than the poorest families, and millions more American jobs go overseas because we keep giving big coporations tax subsidies.  

If that future makes you happy, then by all means vote for McCain.

Oh, and for all you Clinton supporters who say that you're not going to vote at all, BITE MY BALLS.  Stop being cowards.  That's the same as voting for McCain while at the same time assuaging your liberal guilt because you didn't cast the actual vote and can continue to say that you're a staunch Democrat.  And if McCain does win, then it's not your fault.  

WRONG!!!

I didn't vote for Bush but he's still my President, as much as that fact pains me.  I voted for him.  I didn't cast my ballot for him but I was part of the process that elected him, both times.   

I know that I am being harsh but I can't help it.  

Yes, I was an Obama supporter from the beginning, but I also like Hillary Clinton.  I would have been pleased if she had won the Democratic nomination.  I would have been overjoyed if they both had been on the ticket.  

And that's the difference between us Obama voters.  I can't speak for all of us, but I doubt that we have had the same response as to be so embittered that we would defect to the enemy camp.  Because it makes no sense, at least to me.  

I vote on my values.  And the Democrats embody the things that I believe as an American, as a person of color, as a woman, as a human being.  I would have thrown myself 100% behind Hillary Clinton.  I wouldn't need to be convinced.  She would have been my candidate.  

Barack Obama IS my candidate.  He believes in what I believe in.  He has my same values.  

And if you won't listen to me, then listen to her...

YOUR CANDIDATE

If there was any doubt about why I'm a Democrat

Take a look at these two websites...

The Democrats

AND

The GOP

How petty and disgusting can you be?  Just look at their website!  

Obama must really have them on the run for them to dedicate this much effort into exaggerating facts and throwing that much mud on a good man.

I mean seriously!  It's not even about your candidate.  It's about discrediting Obama.  McCain's crazy face isn't even on the page.

Bastards!

Making History!

I have never been prouder of my country than I was tonight.  If Barack Obama's speech didn't move you or stir you, then I don't know what will.  We were lucky to host the DNC in Denver and my Dad was part of history as he watched Obama accept the nomination for president at Mile High Stadium.  I did not go but more on that later.  Plus pics!

God Bless Barack Obama and God Bless America!

Funny!

I'm evil

I always thought that the commercial with the old lady who falls down the stairs and says 'Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!' was HiLaRiOus! Not that old ladies falling is funny but the acting and the obvious set up of the fall made me chuckle.

Now they have an updated version of that commercial. I just saw it and it just gave me a huge belly laugh because the 'old' lady is about 20 years younger and she's in a darkened studio with nothing to indicate what she may have tripped over and she's looking directly into the camera saying her 'Can't get up' line. And just in case there's any doubt, it's subtitled beneath her tortured face.

I laughed so hard.

I'm evil.

What I know about geography...

Could fit into a thimble.

Now, I never said that I was good at everything. I'm a genius, I know, but even Einstein couldn't tie his shoes.

It's just that every once in a while, the glaring spotlight of my ignorance will shine through and I'm unmanned. Or un-(wo)manned in this scenario.

Case in point: The geographic proximity of China to Alaska. I have always believed that China was on the opposite end of the earth from the U.S. But when you're dealing with a sphere, the 'opposite' end of the world is not that far considering it wraps around.

I spent at least an hour last night marveling at how close China is to Alaska. Really, they're only separated by the Bering Sea. How is that possible?

China is here and Alaska is right here. (You can't see my demonstration but trust me, they are really fucking close!)

Why don't I know this? And why when I tell people I don't know this they look at me as though I've got buck teeth and am drooling profusely from my mouth?

Seriously, geography is one of the few categories on Jeopardy! that could floor me.

I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit and the home game of Jeopardy! As a Gemini, I have an endless capacity for useless information.

That must be it!

Geography is use-ful information.

Just Bought a MacBook

Shit! It was expensive. $1600 for the Black MacBook (because really, I only do Black for electronics). The $1600 included the MacBook with iWork pre-installed because, hey, I'm a writer and I need a prodictivity suite. I also bought a remote and a notebook case. The good news is that I did get $100 off because I work in a school. Any little bit helps.

I'm so happy. I almost hyperventilated as I was buying it because it was more than I had spent on any single purchase other than my car. And I've never had a brand new laptop in my life.

And while I am ecstatic to have bought it, let me let you in on a little secret. So, I saved $100 which is great but I also paid $100 in taxes. So I went to Amazon to see if I could buy it cheaper. Amazon also has a $100 discount PLUS I wouldn't have to pay taxes, I think. Of course I did this after I had already purchased it through Apple.

I do this all the time. I constantly second guess myself about everything. I can't just let myself be happy. I bought my dream laptop but I overpaid by about a hundred dollars. I already know that I should have waited until October or November because that's when the updated Macs come out and I could save some money by buying this year's model. But knowing me, I would want the newer model so I wouldn't really be saving anything. I might actually pay more because who knows how the new MacBooks are going to be updated? It could be really, really cool. Maybe the new MacBooks have HD screens. My MacBook doesn't have HD. That sux! What the hell? Why didn't I wait?

I know why. I decided buying a new MacBook was worth the 2-3 months of bliss because the anger and frustration associated with my current laptop was driving me up a fucking wall. We'll just have to see in October or November if I'm really going to be happy.

Sigh.

I'm insane.

But an insane person who could have her new laptop by Friday.

Now if only the external hard drive that I bought a week ago were to be delivered first, that would be a miracle.

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAMA!!!!

The MacBook Just Gave Me An Orgasm

So I plan on buying a MacBook next week because my current laptop is a piece of crap. And while I realize that this will put me further away from my dream of being totally debt free by a couple more months, it is a necessary purchase. The laptop that I have now I literally want to snap in half. If it were possible to actually break it over my knee and toss that shit out the window then I would.

And yes, I do have a desktop but that's more of the family computer and I need the laptop for when I'm writing which is usually late at nite or at coffee shops.

So I decided on the Mac because, A) they're cool and B) I used to always use Macs because they were just the better computer. They still are. So, I've been searching and comparing prices and while the MacBook has more upfront costs, they are cheaper in the long run, especially considering I won't have to deal with antivirus software or subscriptions.

I did give serious consideration to the PC. But there is something about the MacBook that draws me to it. I spend hours endlessly on line, staring at pictures and watching videos. It's like geek porn to me. Pleasure vibrates through me as I shift through these pictures and videos. It's like fire racing across my skin that burns so bright and so sweet that I would gladly get lost in the flame.

Just tonight, I was looking at photos of my MacBook to be. I was caressing the screen as though I could feel the softness through the LCD display on my crap machine. I bit my lip to keep from moaning aloud as I imagined rolling around in a field of wildflowers with my new Mac. I shivered as I thought of what it would be like to get my hands on him. And yes, my Mac, is a man. Unlike all of my other machines, like BABs (synonym for Bad Ass Bitch) my iPod or Midnight, my Honda.

I envision him to be a smart yet cool Quirky but down to earth. We spend hours together discussing Proust but our evening are reserved for Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow. He wears funky sweaters with hip jeans ripped at the knees and scuffed Vans. We are a perfect fit. We go hand in hand to out of the way cafes and at night I use him without mercy.

Yes folks, tonight a MacBook gave me an orgasm and I am still shuddering from the aftereffects.

Sigh!

God Bless Steve Jobs!

What I'm Listening To

Joss Whedon Rocks!

This is genius!

Dr. Horrible

Sunday is the last day!

Funniest Movie Quote This Year!

Form the HiLaRIoUs and Heartwarming Film JUNO:

Abortion Clinic Worker: Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.
Juno: Uh, no. I'm kind of off the sex... right now.
ACW: My boyfriend uses them everytime we have intercourse. They make his junk smell like pie.

Fucking Genius! I laughed for five minutes.

What's your movie quote of the year?

So LONG!!

Hello Blog Reader!

I cannot believe that it has been two months since I've blogged. I've gone back on my word and not blogged at least 2x/week. But I swear that I will do better.

Let's see. What to talk about? Well, my birthday was Thursday the 19th (Juneteenth, look it up people!). What did I get, you might ask? Well, my mom got into a car accident---in my car. So I've been dealing with insurance adjusters for two days and my rear quarter panel looks like an accordion. This is funny. At this very moment, it's covered with plastic because I think that it's going to rain and my trunk won't close. So, yeah. That's very ghetto. Happy Birthday to me. It was the 2-9, btw.

What else has happened? I went to Costa Rica for 10 days. I LOVED IT!!! I want to move there. Live there. I was almost impregnated by Jesus (Hey Zeus). Not really, but not for lack of trying on his behalf. But poolside sex when I'm on a trip surrounded by Mormons is sure to send someone to hell. I had so much fun. I sag Karaoke. Badly. Mostly because I had laryngitis and my voice was for shit. But it was fun.

I'm now enjoying a 10 week vacation. I work in a school so I'm off for the summer. I'm trying to do more writing. It's hard because I'm a natural procrastinator and I'm lazy as shit.

That's it for now. More later.

Redeemed

So, maybe not going to hell. At least not in a kerosene handbasket. During Good Friday services, not one snicker passed my lips. In fact, my eyes teared up. Who wouldn't cry listening to the Passion?

So I guess all is well.

Until the next time someone yells Fuck Me! in my ear.

Holy (Fuck!)

So last night was Holy Thursday and as a member of my church's choir, I was singing last night. And we were singing a perfectly lovely song, in Latin of which I understood exactly none of.

Now, admittedly, I have a dirty mind and the circumstance or place does very little to curb that. So, you can't blame me for giggling when the words, in Latin, are pronounced 'Fock May.' C'mon, you know that sounds like Fuck Me. And you know that that's funny. So I had a bit of a giggle at rehearsal. I straight up busted out laughing during the service when the woman next to me practically yelled it in my ear. FOCK MAY!!!

Hehehe.

But what made the night even better is that the words 'Fock May' were running through my head for the rest of the night. Making me giggle. Especially during the communion service when I was giggling as the Pastor talked about the Last Supper and Jesus being betrayed. I am sure that everyone in the congregation thought that I was laughing at Jesus and his betrayal.

And that made me laugh harder.

Okay

So I lied about that whole posting 2-3x/week. It's more like whenever I get a wild hair up my ass.

So my life:

I sent off 'On Business' now officially retitled as 'Lucky Number Four' off to Kate Duffy at Kensington. It should get there tomorrow or Thursday. Wish me luck, person who never reads my blog. (I know no one actually reads this stuff.) I don't know why it's taken me so long to send it out (almost 11 mos! What the FUCK!!!) but it's done now and could be sold by this time in June. I'm not thinking about that now.

I'm working on a romantic suspense. 50,000 words into it and not a drop of sex. I need to rectify that.

Just got a crown. Am I the only person on the planet that finds the sound of a dentist's drill soothing? Seriously, I was about to fall asleep. I find it a bit comforting. Now the smell...yeck!

Oh, and a treat! I'm working on Luck of the Irish! Should be done soon.

That's it. Nothing else.

Later

Pieces of me

So the other day, my mother and I were in the car. And because I control the radio when I'm in the car and because I'm Black, I was listening to the hip-hop station.

On this particular day, that Ludacris was on the air. You know that song, "What's Your Fantasy?" The one where he and some random skank want like lick each other in non-sanitary areas and get really freaky in what I can only consider very uncomfortable places. I mean, really, on the 50-yard line when the Atlanta Falcons are playing? Bitches will get trampled!

Anyhoo, that song began to play when my mother exclaimed, "Ooh, I like this song!" and proceeds to turn up the volume.

*thud*

"What? What are you talking about? You can't like this song?"

"What?" she replied. "At least I know what they're talking about. Unlike your father."

(Side note: My father really likes that song 'Pony' by Ginuwine. He had no clue what it was about for years. Yeah, that's my family.)

"No, it's not," I cringed. "It's worse. You like a sex song. I'm dying. Is there blood coming out my ears?"

"Monica, please! How do you think you got here?"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear that."

She didn't say anything else. Just proceeded to dance her old lady car dance. I was too horrified to change the station. I think I died a little inside that day.

Another Installment: I'm Going to Hell

So, I love going to church. I go every week. I especially enjoy the church that I attend. The people are nice (although it IS church so what would you expect), the pastor makes me laugh (which if you know me is the number one way to my heart) and I feel stupid saying this but I feel like I get filled up when I go.

That does not, however, mitigate the fact that I am Monica and my mind is a sick, twisted, demented morass of evilness. (Heidi, you may not want to read past this point!)

This is the scene last Sunday. It was Epiphany Sunday (know your Liturgical calendar people!) and so we were celebrating the Three Wisemen, The Star, The Shepherd, yadda yadda yadda. And in the service, they were singing a very sweet song called "Mary Did You Know?" which asks if Mary, Mother of Jesus, knew that she was carrying the Messiah. (Which of course she did! Duh! The angel came to her to ask to implant her.)

Anyway, one particular line struck me. It was "Did you know that when you kissed his head, you were kissing the face of God?" Innoculous enough, right?

Au contraire, mon freres!

THIS is where my sick, twisted, demented mind goes.

So, if she gave birth to the mortal face of God, His presence on earth, did that mean that she then breastfed God?

I KNOW!!! I'm SICK!!! Who thinks about breastfeeding God? No one. Just me. But if you follow the logic of it, then it really makes sense. I mean, a baby's got to eat! And if she didn't breast feed him, did she then pawn off the breastfeeding of God off to some crazy milkmaid. What? Was she too good to breastfeed the Messiah? Or did she just feel extra weird about God sucking on her titty?

Don't worry, people, I've got my handbasket all ready because you're going o need it for this.

So, after contemplating the breastfeeding of God, I move on. Oh, yes, I move on.

My next stop on the road to hell is thinking about Mary and Joseph. Having sex.

Would you, COULD you, have sex with a woman that you knew gave birth to the Christ child? I mean, how do you hit that knowing who had been all up in there? You've got to be thinking, "I'm doing God's old lady!" I mean, I know that God didn't have sex with her but in a case like that it's really just semantics.

And you know Joseph had to have some massive inferiority complex. You know that when they were doing it and she was moaning, 'Oh, God' he had to be thinking 'Does she mean that literally?'

I'm depraved.

Wow

It has been a long time. My new year's resolution is to blog at least three times a week. The good news is that I finished my 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo. The bad news: it's only half finished. I'm working on finishing it. A good romantic suspense is at least that long. I don't know how successful I will be in this particular genre but my next tackle is a paranormal.

On a side note, I love my new job. Who hates having two weeks off?