I'm going to hell.
No, really. I am. I know, you're shocked! I was, too. I mean, I really am a nice, decent, if somewhat perverted and bitchy person. I try to live my life in a way that doesn't harm others. But this means nothing; I'm still going to hell. And this here's why:
First, let me preface by saying I love Christmas, and embrace the spirit of giving and love and peace that it brings. Unfortunately I have a mouth like a sailor and a mild case of road rage. Not the: Knock-out-your-windshield-with-a-nine-iron kind of road rage. But rather the: I-think-that-all-other-drivers-are-idiots-and-shouldn't-be-allowed-behind-the-wheel kind.
With that said, this is me for most of the Christmas season. (Me singing along to KOSI 101) 'Oh, Holy night, the stars are brightly shining. It is the morn of our dear savior's birth. What the fuck are you doing, you stupid-ass motherfucker?!?! What the fuck is wrong with you? I swear to the sweet baby Jesus, you are the son of a whore.' And that's me yelling in my car at the top of my lungs (which have considerable power) after someone cut me off or is going like 15 in a 50 mph zone or just being an asshole in general. One minute I'm praising the birth of the Son of God and the next, I'm taking his name in vain and using profanity.
And that, my friends, is a surefire ticket to hell.
Pray for me
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Repost from another time-MUCH FUNNIER!
My First Post: What I should've said:
So, I pride myself on being massively self-important and think that everyone should listen to what I have to say. To give me a forum is a dangerous thing.
But anyhoo...what exactly is my concept of Random Acts of Randomness? This is a something that I think we should all embrace. Basically it involve me e-mailing my friends a bunch of crap that's on my mind, thing that I've been thinking about, all the weird shit that goes through my head. It's really just for my own amusement because no one really cares. Also, I like to think I'm funny and set about proving it on a daily basis.
With that said, here's what's been on my mind lately. Do rich people have health insurance? I mean, not your 'typical' rich people like doctors and lawyers you make $500,000/yr. I mean your Bill Gates' and Waltons. Do they have good insurance coverage? On one hand, you would think that they have the best coverage money can buy, but on the other hand do they really want to go through the hassle of fighting with insurance companies over paying for a heart transplant. Think about it.
Something else that should be noted about me is that I'm kind of a bitch. I know, you think I have a sweet face, but it's all show. Have a conversation with me some day, you'll find out. Take Saturday for instance. I was walking down on the 16th St. Mall, minding my own business when out of nowhere a man comes towards me wearing a red velour peacoat, a pair of velour pants that may have been black at one time but has now faded to a brownie black (it's a color, ask Crayola!), and a pair of brown loafers with tassels. Tassels people! So, I'm staring at him, not a polite glance, but really staring at him and I'm thinking, 'He really did it! He really left the house like that.' I mean come on! Who looks at themselves in the mirror and thinks that's attractive? And you just know that he was walking out feeling really good, like a panther on the prowl, going to find himself some Ladies!
Later
So, I pride myself on being massively self-important and think that everyone should listen to what I have to say. To give me a forum is a dangerous thing.
But anyhoo...what exactly is my concept of Random Acts of Randomness? This is a something that I think we should all embrace. Basically it involve me e-mailing my friends a bunch of crap that's on my mind, thing that I've been thinking about, all the weird shit that goes through my head. It's really just for my own amusement because no one really cares. Also, I like to think I'm funny and set about proving it on a daily basis.
With that said, here's what's been on my mind lately. Do rich people have health insurance? I mean, not your 'typical' rich people like doctors and lawyers you make $500,000/yr. I mean your Bill Gates' and Waltons. Do they have good insurance coverage? On one hand, you would think that they have the best coverage money can buy, but on the other hand do they really want to go through the hassle of fighting with insurance companies over paying for a heart transplant. Think about it.
Something else that should be noted about me is that I'm kind of a bitch. I know, you think I have a sweet face, but it's all show. Have a conversation with me some day, you'll find out. Take Saturday for instance. I was walking down on the 16th St. Mall, minding my own business when out of nowhere a man comes towards me wearing a red velour peacoat, a pair of velour pants that may have been black at one time but has now faded to a brownie black (it's a color, ask Crayola!), and a pair of brown loafers with tassels. Tassels people! So, I'm staring at him, not a polite glance, but really staring at him and I'm thinking, 'He really did it! He really left the house like that.' I mean come on! Who looks at themselves in the mirror and thinks that's attractive? And you just know that he was walking out feeling really good, like a panther on the prowl, going to find himself some Ladies!
Later
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Occupational Hazards
Okay, something that y'all may not know about me is that I am an aspiring romance author. Chessy? Maybe. Fun? Definitely. So, last night I'm in my room, click-clacking away, when a truly random thought came to me. I'm writing about people having sex with each other. I'm writing words like 'wetness' and 'cock' and I'm like really. I'm really writing this? These are things that I wouldn't say in real life. I can't imagine telling my boyfriend 'I'm so wet for you, baby.' But yet, I'm writing it.
The problem comes my friends when I'm trying to describe the process of the act of having sex. Do y'all realize the imagination it takes to write a really good sex scene. If I just wrote: "He put is penis in her vagina, thrust for about 2 minutes, and released his seminal fluid." it would be horrible and no one would read it. Women don't want that. I know. I'm a woman myself, most days. (JK!) They want the emotional connection as well as the detailed descriptions. So everyday I struggle about how many ways I can write a french kiss. Tongues in mouths that's all they are. But they have to be soft or sweet or deep or wet. I'm pulling out my thesaurus (a very useful tool anyway) like 7 million times a day. And then I move on to descriptions of thrusting and holes and more wetness and mutual masturbation. That takes A LOT of work dammit!
But how great would it be if I could actually make a living doing what I do? If somebody asks me what I do for a living I could say I write word like 'cock' or 'pussy' and I get paid to do it. Tee-hee. My life would be sweet!
Later
The problem comes my friends when I'm trying to describe the process of the act of having sex. Do y'all realize the imagination it takes to write a really good sex scene. If I just wrote: "He put is penis in her vagina, thrust for about 2 minutes, and released his seminal fluid." it would be horrible and no one would read it. Women don't want that. I know. I'm a woman myself, most days. (JK!) They want the emotional connection as well as the detailed descriptions. So everyday I struggle about how many ways I can write a french kiss. Tongues in mouths that's all they are. But they have to be soft or sweet or deep or wet. I'm pulling out my thesaurus (a very useful tool anyway) like 7 million times a day. And then I move on to descriptions of thrusting and holes and more wetness and mutual masturbation. That takes A LOT of work dammit!
But how great would it be if I could actually make a living doing what I do? If somebody asks me what I do for a living I could say I write word like 'cock' or 'pussy' and I get paid to do it. Tee-hee. My life would be sweet!
Later
Monday, April 17, 2006
My First Post
So, I did it (again!). I've created another blog because apparently the blog that I have on MySpace isn't enough. I need to feed my megalomanical tendencies by making sure that my voice gets out to a larger audience. I mean, I've always been of the opinion that the world would truly be a better place if only everyone would bow before my superior intellect and common sense...JK
Actually, I'm just bored and I'm dangerous when I'm bored. I named my blog Random Acts of Randomness because that's just what it'll be...just the random musings of my random mind. (Have I used random enough times?) I like to pride myself on being funny so I really hope that the eight people who read this will be entertained. Not by this one necessarily because I'm not feeling particularly creative but I can assure y'all that I am one funny mofo. And as soon as i fgure out how to do this blog thing, I will get right down to my own funny shit.
TTYL
Actually, I'm just bored and I'm dangerous when I'm bored. I named my blog Random Acts of Randomness because that's just what it'll be...just the random musings of my random mind. (Have I used random enough times?) I like to pride myself on being funny so I really hope that the eight people who read this will be entertained. Not by this one necessarily because I'm not feeling particularly creative but I can assure y'all that I am one funny mofo. And as soon as i fgure out how to do this blog thing, I will get right down to my own funny shit.
TTYL
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