Another Installment: I'm Going to Hell

So, I love going to church. I go every week. I especially enjoy the church that I attend. The people are nice (although it IS church so what would you expect), the pastor makes me laugh (which if you know me is the number one way to my heart) and I feel stupid saying this but I feel like I get filled up when I go.

That does not, however, mitigate the fact that I am Monica and my mind is a sick, twisted, demented morass of evilness. (Heidi, you may not want to read past this point!)

This is the scene last Sunday. It was Epiphany Sunday (know your Liturgical calendar people!) and so we were celebrating the Three Wisemen, The Star, The Shepherd, yadda yadda yadda. And in the service, they were singing a very sweet song called "Mary Did You Know?" which asks if Mary, Mother of Jesus, knew that she was carrying the Messiah. (Which of course she did! Duh! The angel came to her to ask to implant her.)

Anyway, one particular line struck me. It was "Did you know that when you kissed his head, you were kissing the face of God?" Innoculous enough, right?

Au contraire, mon freres!

THIS is where my sick, twisted, demented mind goes.

So, if she gave birth to the mortal face of God, His presence on earth, did that mean that she then breastfed God?

I KNOW!!! I'm SICK!!! Who thinks about breastfeeding God? No one. Just me. But if you follow the logic of it, then it really makes sense. I mean, a baby's got to eat! And if she didn't breast feed him, did she then pawn off the breastfeeding of God off to some crazy milkmaid. What? Was she too good to breastfeed the Messiah? Or did she just feel extra weird about God sucking on her titty?

Don't worry, people, I've got my handbasket all ready because you're going o need it for this.

So, after contemplating the breastfeeding of God, I move on. Oh, yes, I move on.

My next stop on the road to hell is thinking about Mary and Joseph. Having sex.

Would you, COULD you, have sex with a woman that you knew gave birth to the Christ child? I mean, how do you hit that knowing who had been all up in there? You've got to be thinking, "I'm doing God's old lady!" I mean, I know that God didn't have sex with her but in a case like that it's really just semantics.

And you know Joseph had to have some massive inferiority complex. You know that when they were doing it and she was moaning, 'Oh, God' he had to be thinking 'Does she mean that literally?'

I'm depraved.